?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Share Next Entry
Trapped
mind_eclipse
I woke up...empty. Thoughtless. Nothing. I can't think anymore. Am I depressed? I don't think so.
I feel so worthless. Nothing I do makes sense. Nothing here makes sense. I feel trapped and I don't even care that I'm trapped. I don't understand and no one wants to explain. Oh so this is drama? It's not drama, it's my life.

I can't live when I'm stuck. I'm stuck and all I can think about right now is dying. I want to prove something and nothing is provable. I am not balanced. I am hanging by a string swinging back and forth and it's making me sick.
There's no one here. No one out there. I can't talk to people out there. I want. I want to write beautiful things.
But my mind forgets. I once wanted to be an amazing writer. But I've neglected the art of happiness. I cannot write and that gives evil satisfaction. When I write nonsense the devil smirks and cackles because he knows that I have finally given in. up. He's succeeded. I am not that fragile little girl. I'm that ogre of a woman with no sensation, no desire, nothing.

You should think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's too embarrassing. I am...an embarrassment.
Everything is so strange...you think it's knowledge that's the enemy. I feel as though my brain is fighting not to learn, fighting to be lazy, fighting to destroy itself. It sucks. I don't understand why I can't remember anything anymore.
I am alone. I left college for no reason. I just have too much anxiety. Things weren't going anywhere. I couldn't make it and I was failing. Who wants to stick around to be tortured with bad grades, headaches, and failures.

No one knows who I am and I don't exist. I'm crazy. I'm delusional. I can't think straight.
I want to be that crazy. I want to be crazy and have no one judge me. But I am judged. I am judged so much that I have become my own judge. And everything that made sense seems terribly wrong. Like the world's just disappearing. Like we're all being pushed into a lower dimension. Maybe it's a punishment.

I have dealt with things. I have dealt with things that don't matter. And nothing is provable. Nothing is permanent. if only I had a mind that could transcend time and space. If only the illusion wasn't an illusion. If only consciousness were a tangible substance, not a product of a jumble of nerves. If only there could be something that could push me forward without me having to ....do anything....if only it would push me forward and give me credit at the same time. But what kind of thing would do that. Pain, Pain and anguish. It's despicable. It's undesirable, it's scary.

Love is the only remedy. But love is something I am without. I am without love, and I've learned that's just the way this world works. There are people who don't have any love. I can't feel. i can't feel anything. I am not loved and I don't love many people.. I am tired of it. I can't think. I may just end it all soon. Because I don't know what to do anymore. And no one would really bother to understand it. Things just aren't right. There needs to be no explanatin of why. Things just aren't right because they don't feel right. I am living at home and I can't do anything.

No, it doesn't make sense. I'm ugly. I can't stand it so much that I would destroy myself for a new face, new body, no one will ever understand the depth of my pain.

  • 1
Hi. I stumbled upon your page. I like your writing. It feels honest not just self indulgent. I am not coming from such a dark place anymore, but I see the validity of darkness. I am adding you as a friend. Would you be so kind as to add me as well? Thanks

Hey. I browsed your livejournal and you seem pretty cool. I added you as a friend and I will try and comment on your entries. Yes, I was trying to be forthright about things. But don't take every word I write on here seriously because I can exaggerate when I vent in my journal. Sometimes what I write makes little or no sense to others, and useless later to me. I have kind of emerged from the darkness, but I do like some aspects of the dark side of life. Thanks for the add~ Just out of curiosity, how old are you...it's nice to know what sort of person I'm connecting with on lj.

I'm like very ancient. I have already lived 70% of my expected life span. I was born two years after the bombing of Hiroshima. I was in high school when the Beat poets were gathering in coffee houses in Greenwich Village. My world view was formed from the best and the worst of the late 1960's and early 70's, when I was in and out of college: Martin Luther King, the assassinations, psychedelics, the anti-war movement, the women's movement, the gay liberation movement. But, I identify more with the sensibility of recent generations, than with what many of the 60s generation have now become.

Hey, that's cool! maybe I'll learn something from you. I love the Beats. Have you ever heard of a school called Naropa? It's in Colorado. I was thinking about going there and went for some summer classes on poetry and writing. It was formed by the beats. Specifically Allen Ginsberg. I am sort of a liberal although I'm 19 and not really all sure of where i am going in life. I am planning on going to Los Angeles in the fall. So anyways, nice to meet you.

Maybe we'll learn something from each other.
Yeah, Naropa, that's right. Ginsberg and Diane Di Prima.
I have a funny story about Ginsberg, if you want to hear it.

How did you learn about the Beats and what attracts you about them?

I am very liberal. I like the idea of having a sort of crazy lifestyle. I saw Diane but never really got chance to speak with her. Sure, I would like to hear the story. I learned about the beats when I was about sixteen maybe. I always loved Ginsberg especially, and I have a book by Jack Kerouac too. But the female beats, would be interesting to read up on as well. I am attracted to their edgy poetry and the new way of thinking in words that they created. I love abstract art and stuff like that.

  • 1